AT WAR WITH THE MYSTICS

At a press conference today, President-Elect Barack Obama expressed a reluctance to evoke dead Presidents past for advice, stating that "I didn’t want to get into a Nancy Reagan thing about, you know, doing any seances." The blogosphere is already yapping about whether or not this is disrespectful to the ailing former First Lady (who fell off a ladder while painting zodiacal constellations on her ceiling earlier this year), but to do this is to miss the entire point. Obama doesn't need to hire a medium because HE CAN ALREADY SPEAK WITH THE DEAD.

As we stated the other day, this powerful entity who just won the popular vote and has inspired an epidemic of newsprint larceny is possessed of a wide, deep range of uncanny supernatural powers that will only reveal themselves gradually, lest the electorate emigrate en masse to America's Beard, Mexico. That he is human is clear, but after that, you're on your own. And with the tools of the federal government at his fingertips, he will be like Will Jones and Tommy Lee Smith in The Men Who Wear Black - COMBINED. Let us pray that he uses his powers to aid the forces of Efficacy instead of embracing the Ugly/Fat/Lazy/Stupid Side. That is, if we're praying types. Which we're not - "pray" is just a metaphor for something more secular that we don't really have a name for. Oh wait - HOPE. Yeah, that's it.