CONDOM NATION

We are not impressed with the recent decision by New York City to authorize the release of branded condoms free of charge to the populace.

In the first place, we believe that citizens need to EARN their right to birth control; if someone is wastrel enough that they either cannot or will not purchase their own contraceptives, being forced to raise a child is fit punishment. Besides which, certain cretins, upon hearing the phrase “city condoms,” will conjure a very different picture than that intended. But even beyond these quibbles, studies provide strong evidence that condoms just don’t work.

It’s not that we object to condoms in general – they have many exciting uses, but these have little to do with semen wrangling. Pregnancy and disease cannot be prevented with a condom, just as an oncoming asteroid cannot be deflected by covering the earth with gift wrap.

In the 18th Century, it was posited by Dutch reproductivologist Nicolas Suepersoeker that human sperm consisted of homunculi, tiny human beings that ran through the uterus with little pickaxes to break through the shell of the female egg to feast upon the yolky goodness within. The last surviving homunculus grew up to be the fetus. This hypothesis has proven to be not as far from the truth as modern medicine would have you believe. Human sperm are far more sharp and angular than current depictions imply, and they can break through a flimsy substance such as rubber with admirable ease. They also have minds of their own (albeit incredibly small ones), and well-suited to adapt to whatever rigors full-sized humans may put in their way.

How then, you ask, have condoms developed such a stalwart reputation as hygienic protectors? The answer is simple: television. The rise of condoms has coincided with the implementation of large, radioactive boxes in the homes of millions, entertaining hurdy-gurdies that, unbeknownst to most, are the cause of mass sterility. As men sit and enjoy their favorite programs, the waves coming from the screen are slowly murdering their homunculi, usually by stabbing or strangling. The condom is merely taking credit for the good work of the, ahem, boob tube.

This also goes a long way towards explaining the population boom and spread of disease prevalent in many third-world countries. Lacking TV, the sperm are bound to play havoc. Yes, a flat-screen, wall-mounted HD screen in every mud hut is an expensive foreign policy proposition, but every mass sterilization has to start somewhere. At the very least we should give all those poor Africans something truly useful, like vasectomies, or 60-hour work weeks and long, unstimulating marriages.

Of course, there is enough television in New York City to render an entire nation impotent. Handing out free condoms is at the very least redundant. For citizens too poor or busy to afford their own sets, Mayor Bloomberg should make it mandatory to spend one hour a week standing in the middle of Times Square – the concentrated rays of all those giant screens will make those little homunculi wish they were never born, and ensure that they’ll never be the cause of birth in others.