WE'VE GOT OSCAR STOMACH FLU!

It’s a little-known piece of Oscar trivia that the physical awards themselves can be used to pass through international borders in lieu of valid passports – the United Nations recognizes an Academy Award as a carte blanche surpassing all national sovereignty, catapulting winners of this honor into a cosmopolitan netherworld of unfettered access. However, as a check to the nigh-unlimited power the wielders of these golden statues would possess, Oscars are not allowed on airplanes. The result is that it’s unlikely for a terrorist go through the trouble of developing sufficient acting, writing, directing, producing or (more feasibly) technical chops to work his or her way up the Hollywood ranks in hopes of gaining a coveted nomination. It was briefly feared this year that Pan’s Labyrinth director Guillermo del Toro might secretly be an al-Qaeda operative (he has a beard), but any panic was laid to rest by the Academy’s unwillingness to nominate this shadowy, ethnic figure for an award. However, the overall preponderance of Mexicans in this year's nominations testifies to the willingness of our friends to the South to do whatever it takes to cross the U.S. border unmolested.

All of this is by way of prelude to the Apocryphist’s analysis of last night’s Academy Awards ceremony. It’s no secret that the results of this ostensibly entertainment-oriented contest have grave sociopolitical implications, and it is our goal today to uncover a bit of this secret knowledge for your delectation.

First of all, a clear message was being sent by the fact that the winners of the two leading performance awards – Dame Helen Mirren and Forrest Whitaker– portrayed world leaders going through a period of crisis. Not only that, but in their polar opposition – female vs. male, white vs. black, good vs. evil, skinny vs. fat, hairy vs. bald, etc. – further crucial details were being communicated to those with the savvy to detect them.

The technical explanation could keep us occupied for a full month of posts, but the pith of the matter is that the Academy believes the Antichrist will be elected U.S President in 2008. However, the interpretation leaves unresolved whether this will turn out to be Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama. They represent the dual forces at play in the presentation of last night’s major acting Awards – except one of them needs to gain some weight between now and next November. Whichever of the two breaks the scales during the next eighteen months could very well usher us into the End Times.

On a lighter note, wasn’t Jennifer Hudson fabulous? Imagine having to sing that show-stopping tune after losing the Award! Luckily the predictions were correct, and she was able to turn in a triumphant performance that simply blew away the crowd.

Finally, a word about Pilobolus, the dance company whose shadow-puppet antics delighted the restless crowd. The idea was for the shapes they created to be projected through the scrim onto Jack Nicholson’s bald pate, which would then reflect them through a skylight in the Kodak Theatre’s roof and project them onto the moon as a worldwide celebration of cinema magic (this is why Nicholson was always bathed in a blinding corona of light whenever he was on camera). Unfortunately, host Ellen Degeneres sabotaged the affair, believing that it would detract from the planned announcement of her Presidential candidacy. However, our inside correspondent tell us that Degeneres was scared straight when, in an unanticipated move, Pilobolus attacked and engulfed her behind the scrim, and threatened to snap her neck with their athletic thighs if she went through with her plan. Though the Nicholson-spotlight display was still unable to proceed, neither were Degeneres’ Presidential aspirations, leaving Hillary Clinton the sole lesbian candidate for the Democratic nomination.

TOMORROW: A semiological analysis of this year’s Oscar fashions.