THE DEVIL WORE A VARIETY OF TOP DESIGNERS

As promised, today we will examine the hidden meanings behind some of Sunday’s Oscar fashions. It is not our intention to frighten you with our findings, merely to make you aware that, when matters of global significance are at stake, no detail is accidental.

Let’s start with Penelope Cruz (who is NOT Mexican, as Ellen Degeneres mistakenly implied, but Ecuadorian). You can immediately discern that her flesh-colored Versace gown resembles nothing more nor less than a feather duster (turn your monitor upside-down for the full effect). This optical illusion represents a subtle piece of stereotype-enforcing, implying as it does that Latin American women are suited for few jobs other than that of housekeeper and Oscar-nominated actress. It’s common knowledge that the House of Versace doubles as a white slavery ring (which is the reason behind founder Giovanni Versace’s FBI assassination in 1997). This explains why illegal immigrant Cruz, a Versace minion presented as a symbol of dashed hopes, was so desperate to win the award (see yesterday’s post).


Nicole Kidman’s Oscar gown (by Balenciaga) does not telegraph its intentions quite as readily. Those familiar with Ms. Kidman’s personal life are aware that she is incapable of feeling love for another human being. As such, she commissioned a dress with a prehensile bow that she could manipulate, Dr. Octopus-style, to forcibly snare a suitable mate. (Regrettably, the dress was not put into action because no one in attendance could live up to her alabaster standards.) The accompanying purse (constructed from baby phalanges) underlines her desire to establish a family, even if she must kill to do so. It contains a crystal vial holding ex-hubbie Tom Cruise’s only strand of pubic hair, as a talisman to ward him off were he to try and approach her on the carpet.


It was the belief of the aboriginal Hmstngmfti peoples of Mauritius that the soul is a black butterfly that perches on your bosom when you die. It is unclear whether Anne Hathaway's Valentino gown is a tribute to this ancient race, a sign that she is dead herself, or simply dumb-ass.


Rounding out our analysis is Jennifer Hudson (in Oscar de la Renta). Isn’t she just a peach? The metallic mini-cape was a poor choice, but probably inevitable when your personal stylist is Blacula. Luckily, she ditched it for the ceremony itself, when she charmed us all by bringing home a well-deserved statue. (We love you, Jennifer!) And pockets – who would have thought? It’s inspired us to have pockets installed in all of our pants – a trend that we believe will be taking off in 07.