USA PATRIOT TRACT

As the 232nd anniversary of our nation’s declaration of independence creeps towards us at a speed more befitting a drunken slug than a rocket-powered locomotive of patriotism (yes, we are having a long week), this is a suitable time to ruminate upon the qualities that make this country such an unlikely success in affairs both domestic and international. As such, here is our list of the Top Ten Super-Secret Things That Make America Endure Despite Its Ruling Powers’ Efforts to the Contrary.

10. The Underground Railroad
Many consider it a historical novelty, but the system used for delivering runaway slaves to more desirable locales than those from which they ran still endures, though for entirely different purposes. Purposes that you are too weak to understand.

9. Bigfoot
As our closest living simian ancestor, the Sasquatch offers a bounty of insights about mankind’s role on the earth – and we’ve got ‘em! Sure, there are a few tooling around in Canada, but for taxonomical purposes these are not considered true Sasquatches, but have rather been relegated to the category of Lesser Sasquatch - shyer, more complacent, and nicer than their U.S. counterparts. Wilier, more aggressive American Sasquatches can be seen across our nation, as local aldermen, Dunkin Donuts clerks, and masseurs. If you can track one down, study it closely – it just might be your uncle.

8. Facebook
Why didn’t someone tell us sooner about this clever social networking tool? Over the past few months we’ve spent countless hours trolling its depths, digging up as much dirt as we possibly can about our multifarious enemies and gleaning new and novel ways to destroy them. ("Favorite Film: Strictly Ballroom." Hmm…) We haven’t signed up for a profile ourselves, of course (even this weblog is severely compromising our inaccessibility), but as believers in the unexpected yet retrospectively inevitable phenomena known to superstitious folks as “miracles,” there’s always a chance that might change…

7. The Lack of Nationalized Universal Health Care
Many view this as one of America’s drawbacks, but in a free market economy it’s a simple fact that you can’t lug around your dead weight like so much feverish, crippled, bleeding, concussed, diabetic, pustule-ridden, feeble, frail, decrepit, incontinent, armless, immune-deficient, consumptive, sneezing, wheezing, pallid, nauseous, quadriplegic, morbidly obese, stroke-wracked, artery-clogged, tumoriffic dead weight. We don’t cart our corpses around with us everywhere we go, so why should we do the same with our sick and injured? If they can’t take care of themselves, they’re part of the problem.

6. Neqa’el
The cutest little itty-bitty kitty cat in the world. Yes, she is. Yes, she is.

5. The National Weather Service
As many of you no doubt remember from a past post, the National Weather Service is responsible for regulating the weather worldwide – or, to state it more accurately, regulating people’s perception of the weather. As a largely psychological phenomenon, weather is infinitely manipulatable by a trickster’s array of cons and sleights – moves at which the U.S. government has proven only too adept.

4. Attractive, Up-and-Coming Starlets
One thing that America will always be able to give to the world – and exhibit a skill for importing – is the peculiar combination female pulchritude, talent, youth and pluck that characterizes our most precious natural resource: starlets. Though some go on to squander their nearly unlimited potential (did you really need to take that demeaning secretary role in Sex and the City, Jennifer?), even the laziest amongst them will grow up to helm an obscure charity or run for local office. But more importantly, while in their prime they are the fuel of the world’s Dream Engine, and little would get accomplished without them.

3. Libertium
A rare mineral, found only in the soil of certain parts of North America, that ensures political freedom. Sub-microscopic dust particles of Libertium act chemically upon the brain when inhaled in certain quantities. Interestingly, the biochemistry of the Caucasian race results in deeper, more rapid breathing than is normally found in other ethnicities, which explains much of our early history.

2. The Stupidity and Pettiness of the Rest of the World
We’re not saying that everyone else in the world is naturally inferior to us, we’re just saying that, given all of the other advantages listed here, we’re able to crawl ever so slightly further out of the rancid heap of humanity into the glaring, stink-inducing sunlight above.

1. The Apocryphist
If not for us, you wouldn’t even be aware of all of this.

Happy Interpendence Day, everyone! Don’t let the fireworks hypnotize you – that’s how the local municipalities steal your money.